"Can you die of happiness?"

At the beginning, it was just words running through my head, never leaving my mind unoccupied. Words like "almost", "if only" and "merely a matter of time".
But the certainty didn't make it one bit less exciting.
And then, all of a sudden, it was one single word: "Finally."

Can one person really change your whole life, the thing you've been fighting for years, by simply being there?
Can it really happen?
It did to me, and I still can't believe how much happiness I'm actually capable of.

Quandary

Who do you take if you have to choose?
The person you know and trust, but probably have no future with;
or the person you know hardly anything about, but you seem to like and may even have a chance with?

It's being between the devil and the deep blue see...

All or nothing

For a short time, we were living on the fast track.
It was a different city, a different country, a different life.
We were out all night, not getting close to enough sleep, laughing all day long.
We spent hours running around, searching for new places, chasing our shadows.
No thing or person could stop us, could take away what we had, could bring us down.
We were living for the moment, not caring about yesterday or tomorrow, not once bringing up the past, not once contemplating what the future would have in store for us once we got home. That word - home - didn't even feel right anymore, we weren't really able to remember what it meant.
It wasn't dangerous, but it was exciting. More exciting than everything we'd ever done before. For the first time, we were on own our, literally and figuratively, nobody there to guide us in case we got lost.
It was all or nothing; and it had never felt better.

Ordinary day

Screaming in the evening,
yelling after sundown.

The walls are definitely not thick enough.

The Road Not Taken

"Two paths" by Britt Taylor Collins

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost-

Analysing the human race

Time and again I am horrified by what people are capable of doing to each other. Gladiator combats in ancient Rome. Slavery in America. The Holocaust in Europe. The world's history is a history of violence and it has become worse throughout the centuries.
Murder, abuse, torture, war, death - it all belongs to today's normal life.
I am scared - deeply petrified - that someday absolutely nobody will care anymore. From that moment onward, indifference will slowly and unnoticed turn into hate. Hate leads to killing leads to suffering leads to more hate. A never ending circle.
And the question everyone asks but no one is able to anwer? Why.
I found my own answer: It's because the human being is destined to long for more. More money, more influence, more power. And being an inherent feature of mankind, it will never stop.

Pain

What's the use of living when you don't have anything worth living for?
Why not give up?
Once you've seen someone almost kill themselves, once you've seen tears forming in the eyes of the most important and beloved person in your life because you're forced to abandon them, once you've experienced the downfall of your own family, there's nothing more worth living for.
I can't even scream loud enough to express my pain.

Emotion

The colours of the sky stretched from indigo over all shades of violet to a light yellow, almost gold.
The colour inside her heart was a uniform black.
Inside she fought a battle she wasn't strong enough to admit she had already lost.
She did not speak, but her eyes told a never ending story of loss, of betrayal, of being left behind.
A single tear ran down her face as she drove off into the sunset.

Fierce reaction

Boiling blood. Passionate rage. Disastrous wrath.
Yes, I am the jealous kind of person.

How many people can make me suffer

True love - in my opinion - is not defined as accepting a person as he or she is, but as being glad with the way the person acts and thinks. Not as taking care, but as wanting to take care. Not as forgiving mistakes, but as making the best out of mistakes. Not as simply being there, but as being confided in. Not as feeling forced to show affection, but as feeling grateful to be capable of doing so.

Few people realise how easily they can make me suffer.

Never again

The human being can only endure a certain amout of pain before it breaks apart.

It must never happen again.

"The Scream" by Edvard Munch, my favourite painting

Belief

Religion.
Faith.
Sometimes I envy people wearing a silver cross around their necks proudly showing their faith. I used to believe as well. I want to again. Believe in something bigger than myself, something bigger than manhood. But I can't. I live without belief while at the same time wondering how it feels to keep faith into something other than provable science. I've long forgotten.

A larger scale

"Hannah" by Jon Foster


I'm depressed now.
I often consider my problems to be the most awful ones in the world. But then, time and again, I try thinking on a larger scale. What is being in love without having it reciprocated compared to having to starve? What is being annoyed at friends compared to having none? What is being bothered by one's parents compared to loosing them? What is getting bugging homework compared to getting no education at all? What is having trouble with one's TV set compared to not having a place to sleep? What is the loss of a toy compared to the death of a person you loved and cared about?
I figure thinking on a larger scale can be cathartic sometimes. My whole world shrinks to the size of a nutshell and my problems just seem a lot less grave.
But it doesn't take long until something throws me off balance again and I feel like nothing could suck more than MY life.
I'm ashamed then.

If I were a colour...

I'd be green. I'd be the leaves producing oxygen. I'd be the grass covering the earth. I'd be nature.

I'd be blue. I'd be the sky. I'd be the longing for new territory. I'd be freedom.

I'd be grey. I'd be the stormy sea claiming lives.

I'd be red. I'd be the passion flooding people's veins. I'd be love. I'd be wrath. I'd be hatred.

I'd be yellow. I'd be the sunlight flooding people's minds. I'd be joy.

I'd be brown. I'd be the soil giving new life.

I'd be pink. I'd be the first flowers in spring.

I'd be violet. I'd be the inspiration creating miracles. I'd be melancholy.

I'd be black. I'd be the demons inside people's hearts.

I'd be white. I'd be dignity. I'd be surrender.

"Desert Eagle" by Darrell Crow

Aftermath

How can something so fugacious feel so beautiful?

I'm so afraid of what it could mean.

Fear

"Fear is the universal variant. Our lives are ruled by our fears. Our greatest collective fear, John Steinbeck once put forth, is the fear of not being loved. We spend the greater part of our lives on the run from this fear, adrift on a sea of our past mistakes and misgivings. It is only when we let go of our fear, our mistakes, our misgivings, when we stop running, that we find what we fear we will never receive - love."